I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
Bullshit. I know you're watching The Dog Whisperer
That Cesar Milan is captivating
Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
Did you know even strippers have to have GED's these days??
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
It was great. They teamed up to hit on these two frat boys all night, until the frat boys started making out with each other. The looks on their faces...
He's not letting me leave till I cum. I am a hostage to my own vagina
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
Randomize
