Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
Dude..her orgasm sent her into a seizure...theres no joke here. It happened.
Just had a flashback of you announcing "your nipples aren't that big for the size of your boobs, I've seen them"
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
Suspicion confirmed. my mom has her nipples pierced
Way to crack the case Nancy Drew
She's lucky her pussy is worth listening to her ramble about bedroom furniture for 30 minutes
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
Should we make a shared Google doc list of places we want to fuck? Like a scavenger hunt?
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
Randomize
