he kept looking at my chin until i asked why, then he just said he was making sure his balls didnt leave a mark.
but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
Well then I realized I had a bigger problem when I woke up a long board.
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
I think I should start a match.com profile and put "robe lounging" as my only hobby
They had to stop us from skinny dipping in the reflection pool of the Mormon temple.
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
I just peed on a rich man's lawn fuck yeah America
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
got some info she was last seen with some guy wearing goggles
I told him I lived in the apartment beside his brother and he said "oh, you're the girl that watches really loud porn!"
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
Randomize
