Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
Fuck appropriateness.
why im i the only drunk person in the library?
Just found out you can rent the rollerena for 100 bucks and you can bring your own beer... when are you free this week?
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
If that's all it takes to cure your hangovers then you need to drink more.
How do I go about messaging a girl on a dating site whose little sister I've had a three some with...?
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
Operation rebound complete... I fucked the bouncer
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
What do you mean relationship? He paid for my tires and I gave him a blow job.
Randomize
