Thats not how I planned it, its just the way she passed out
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
He was like an evil genius with the clitoris. I don't stand a chance.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
orgasmnado...tomorrow night
That's what I'm talking about
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
Randomize
