White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
You said that you were drinking out of a pan, and then went on to apologise to 'Jesus and all the other guys' for drinking on a Sunday.
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
last thing I remember was someone walking in on me sitting in the bathtub listening and singing along to Britney spears "Till the world ends" on repeat.
He whispered "Are you feeling it now Mr. Krabs?" when he was inside me. That is NOT my fetish.
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
Come to my place after work and we can discuss our finances over a coors delight and a fire ball shot
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
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