eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
woke up outside on the porch naked surrounded by beer cans with a towl around my neck. i must be in heaven cause i've never seen this place before.
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
Hardest I think I've ever had to work for a shack. Whatevs. Still gonna get my way though. I'll start respecting myself on Monday
I felt like in order for him to make it to mordor and destroy the ring, he'd have to make sweet sweet love to me in some form of hut or cave.
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
I thought I was heading girls talk. It was the toilet. Like put my ear to it
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
I'm so glad I can be everyone's guide to the world of fucked up kinks
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
I’m a little confused...we were told by Cheeto Jesus and his minions multiple times that we would stop hearing about coronavirus the day after the election and, yet, I am still hearing about coronavirus. Is it possible they lied to us again?!?
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