I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
The only requirement is that his name is Kevin... All other factors don't matter to drunk me. Drunk me likey Kevins.
Did he seem like the type of guy that would maybe take weed as payment?
About to throw up, bathroom line up, Bro sees me. Yells, 'PUKER GET OUT OF WAY' THEY ALL PARTED WAY THREW ME INTO A STALL AND CHEERED AS I THREW UP INTO THE TOILET. we are going back
Yeah and you keep saying "I know how to win America." While running away from us
Yeah the last text says "How many your ass,,,,, prepare it" so take that for what it is
I'm getting high with a 50 year old car wash guy. Enough said.
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
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