mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
There's nothing more uncomfortable than drifting into sexual fantasies on a roadtrip and realizing you have a boner with three other dudes in the car.
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
while we were dancing I voluntarily took my bra off and hung it around his neck as a necklace. 2011 lets go
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
I have alcoholic tendencies but you know what? College
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
I couldnt face her after that wonderful, terrible blowjob. Made a rope out of towels and climbed out her bathroom window.
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