Soap is not a condiment
Well i threw up in my mouth a few times. But i successfully swallowed it. Still going strong.
You drinking a lot?
No.
Define a lot
Ugh I just know that when I take off his pants his underwear will have Megan's Law written all over them.
Update: no underwear. Greeeeen light.
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
I cannot believe I am seriously having a conversation about my best friend's sexual prowess as a dream lesbian.
Randomize
