stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
it's like i can feel the ghost of his dick still inside me
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
Lets just say...I plan on being a bigger shitshow than Miley Cyrus at the VMA'S
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
Hungover. No words. Just memes.
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
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