when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
He had a cowboy hat I don't know where from and he was trying to lasso a snowman with a dog leash.
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
it's a simple rule - pass out shirtless on the couch, become an airsoft target.
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
So what you're saying is that The Magic Kingdom is ruining our plans to get laid?
Lol it's kinda hilarious. I left missing one glass... guage. I feel like Cinderella... but less classy.
The day will come again young grasshopper. For now you must complete your training of patience and tongue biting
My mom just used the chap stick I used right after giving him a blow job. I am a horrible daughter :(
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