I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
I don't know what he did but now I'm terrified of mustache rides and it's only movember 3rd
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
No need to talk. Eventually, he'll either stop coming over, or decide that it's a relationship.
And if not?
...I keep getting free bourbon and great sex with no expectations. You really don't understand that there is no "down side," do you?
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
Guess who just got a Christian Beliefs class to seriously discuss the spiritual implications of dolphin rape?
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
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