i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
Last night was so much fun. i kept trying to lick everyone
genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
how did we start talking about space blow jobs?
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
I'm in the sex attic, crying, eating french toast and taco
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
Dude it's SB. It's a proven fact that all you need to survive on is beer, weed, chips and maybe some amphetamines
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
Haha. I found pics last week of me getting motorboated by a girl while i was taking a shot. Hahaha in my wedding dress. Classy
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
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