Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
My week is over as of 8pm tonight, and I'm herpes free...Let's rage
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
The only thing that got rode last night was the shit face train. I brought him home to see wht all the hype was about and he just started crying and puking in my bathroom.
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
She is getting high and watching the Hobbit. I want her life.
So she is basically watching her own life story: short people traveling to strange places.
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
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