Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
No it only became awkward when she walked in with her new boyfriend and we realized we'd all banged her
It's officially time to start saving up weed money for the NCAA tournament
Just did lines off a tackle box. Love Montana.
Nothing says "I'm a sorority girl" like puking at 830 in the am, wearing my anti-hazing pin, and getting ready for a tea party.
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
friends who go to the bar together leave the bar together and im not leaving you behind ohana means family
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
Randomize
