Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
Sorry, I don't speak sober.
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
he stopped midthrust to put on his sex playlist and the first song was 'can you feel the love tonight'
where do you find these guys?
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
It was his first time doing shrooms and we made him ride in the truck bed. But he kept standing up and yelling when we stopped so we had to keep driving
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
Oh my god he's laying on a longboard singing the song from cool runnings.
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
Randomize
