Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
I have no idea. Next thing I know we're all down on one knee saying the pledge of allegiance and then singing I'm Proud to be an American. Then Trevor ate pizza off the sidewalk.
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
You are like a vicious sex animal persistently seeking prey
Did he ask you why you were in his back yard Sunday night?
I'd rather be sodomized with a fullly decorated Christmas tree.
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
My god imagine how much cum is in that astroturf
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
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