I successfully cooked a taquito with a lighter! My stomach hurts now tho.. im either guna blame it on the undercooked taquito or im feeling guily about porkin my brothers gf a lil bit ago
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
We got a party bus for the nite. I found out the hard way why stripper poles are meant for girls.
All I can think about is getting a lawsuit and chocolate
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
If you hook up with your cousin you will permanently be my favorite person ever.
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
Do you think you could handle being our babysitter if we roofied ourselves for fun??
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
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