also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
no, literally. he fb chatted me and said "since you're online i figured we could bang tonight?"
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
dude wearing that thong all day was not worth the 7 bucks
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
His penis looked like how I would imagine Satan's pinky finger.
woke up in the back seat of my car with a naked chick and my brother tapping on the window. yup, what a night
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
2020 sucks, I want a refund
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