If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
I'm sending you the three minute video I jus took,....it's of me eating a pear up close
its just been over 12 hours, and i`m dying, don`t know how i`m supposed to survive the holidays sexless
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
After an orgasm, I always feel the urge to sing A Whole New World from the move Aladdin and I'm not quite sure why.
I just lived through a real life episode of jersey shore.
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
Idk, apparently drinking five Four Loko's and trying to fight a mailbox constitutes disorderly conduct.
Randomize
