I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.
Almost thought it was a good idea to call his parents to thank them for having a son with an awesome dick. That high.
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
Supposedly i was taking multiple birth control pills while screaming dot judge me. Never going back
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
Scary. I hope people take me seriously. Maybe I should black out less to be sure
i realized my signature handshake has now become a hookup. i love what college has done to me.
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
Randomize
