Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
We got blackout for the alumni dinner, and then walked THROUGH the keynote speaker, managing to still say "excuse me".
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
WHAT KIND OF SELF RESPECTING 28 YEAR OLD WOMAN WAKES UP IN A FRAT HOUSE?!?'
The cougar kind?
4 out of 7 roommates in one month isn't that bad if you think about the fact that 3 of them were in the last 24 hours
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
Pretty sure I got pink eye from the strip club. There is also still beer cans rattling around in my shower.
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
do nipples grow back?
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