last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
Aint no party like a Broke College Girls Eating Stuffed Crust Pizza party
I'm trying to drink up the confidence to run in public.
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
I just didn't expect to have anal in a retail store at 9 AM on a Tuesday.
Your amazing boobs made me fall in love with boobs. I never cared about boobs you should be proud
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