Goal for tonight: Make one last drunken mistake for the semester.
I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
we have officially mastered the walk of shame
Yea there's blood all over the porch but we wont have to buy alcohol for the rest of the week
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
The number of males in the usa getting circumsized are decreasing. Keep this in mind when we become cougars
Also was told that I was her "third favourite booty call" - I'm taking this a good thing right?
It's a podium place so yeah...
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
IF THE SUNS NOT EVEN OUT THEN WHY IS HIS DICK OUT WTF
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
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