I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
stalking is really helping my grade.. I followed him to a review session tonight
he was drinking wine. Puking into an empty water bottle. And eating french toast. ....All at the same time.
but i'm paying and its not a date cause he's got a gf and i'm hooking up with his roommate tomorrow night
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
370HSSV 0773H read that upside down
what are you doing with your life
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
You better wipe the dick of your lips before you come smoke this blunt.
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
Then you bent down and whispered, "excuse me mr. Stair, could you please stop moving?"
Use "feeling words"
Yay
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
Randomize
