my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
omg kevin jonas gave his bride a glass slipper..could he be any gayer then he is now
he is so gay. he makes clay aiken look straight. what is wrong with the lady that married him? kevin must be envious of her balls
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
He wanted to take a picture with our pizza to show his mom that I was pretty but more importantly that he practices in "sober" activities
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
As his dick went in he shouted GOAL at the top of his voice.
Yeah I figured you were blackout when you were Shakira dancing on the floor.
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
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