When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
Omg. I just woke up in a room full of naked people
Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
Well, it's 24 hours till finals. I need high A's on all of them and I still am not sure where exactly on campus most of my classes took place.
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
I've decided to be proactive and make a sex playlist on my phone to avoid any awkward moments in my upcoming slutty summer
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
how many people can say they bit their tattoo off?
We got back from the bar and started watching bizzare foods, which subsequently led to the consumption of large amounts of rancid lunch meat and small insects.
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
I just saw a kid on iowa campus story that looked like the guy i made out with on spring break.
Randomize
