I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
So this snow storm is NOT helpin my masturbation problem
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
I texted him 3 days ago he said he was pre gaming for the Super Bowl today he just text" gtomajg kaka hee 48!!!"
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
Randomize
