Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
Randomize
