mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
It's more exciting when they aren't single....and even better when you have to pretend that you just slept with their roommate while trying to do the walk a shame as their girlfriend comes marching into the apt.
Im not the least bit jealous of the life you lead.
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
It's official. I'm a squirter. Wasn't a one time thing.
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
She was perfectly content just sitting in the middle of everyone blowing bubbles in the air.
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
In the library. Still drunk. Shoes missnig. Term paper due in fiften minutes. Iff I puke u think theyll throw me out?
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
Congratulations, your dick has been selected to participate in my birthday sex. Please reply with a response.
Do I have a choice?
I am sorry, you're response was not recognized. Please try again.
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
I feel like on the last day of finals we should run around campus dressed like Moses screaming "LET MY PEOPLE GO!!!!"
I'll start the recruiting
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
Fuck this virus. We’re finally back on campus but the bars suck parties are banned sports are canceled we eat in our rooms and can’t fucking hangout with anyone. I’m tired of virtual classes and involuntary celibacy
OMG IKR! It’s not college unless we’re puking in a toilet wondering if we’re pregnant or just hungover!
Randomize
