I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
I just sneezed and had an orgasam..THAT turned on
His dick might not be the answer to my problems, but I'm definitely ok with testing it as a possible solution.
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
was this before of after we tobbganned into that tree?
He just showed me a video of his erect penis moving to the beet of the music when he was high, I think I'm in love.
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
we need to find a way to be drinking champagne 24/7
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
