I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
I am in fact going to raffle myself off for a night. If you are interested in buying a ticket let me know. $10 a ticket.
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
you ate the make a wish sign. Like actually chewed on it. It was our solution to going outside when the cops were there
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
Use "feeling words"
Yay
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
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