Is it possible to be promiscuous but in a classy way?
No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
just took my ibuprofen with ramen broth, yay college
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
whiskey dick. though we did manage to break my closet door and flood the bathroom.
This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
my friend was passed out in the bathroom so I threw up in the coffee maker, not the pot the water reservoir that kind of drunk.
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
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