I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
are you putting in a lot of effort today like appearance wise
I am taking my rightful place as emperor of the undead appearance wise
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
You know more about his cock specs than his childhood. Proud of you
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
I'm not gonna plow a chick in front of her 14 year old brother....
And ANOTHER guy that I once got naked is doing gay porn now. Wtf? Am I the audition?!
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