He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
Our room will be decorated with my urine.
DICK PUNCH EXTRAVAGANZAAAAAA!!!!!
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
Also. I think I just got sentimental over a nude
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
literally who communicates this much post-hookup why r u like this
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
just turned another straight guy gay. Goddamn the church must hate me
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
Randomize
