I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
Well at one point he got ahold of my archery gear.. And I. Shit. You. Not. Sarah took an arrow to the knee.
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
You shouted "my financial aid just came in, who wants a shot?!" Half the bar followed
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
So who has the penis shaped party tray? You or your mom?
Randomize
