are you wasted or are you getting laid?
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wow
Pish posh, there's never a bad time to eat food off my body.
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
She acts like you when your on meds
She acts like batman?
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
I wish there was a classy way to show off your boobs.
While we were making out, he kept yelling at me for not coming to his wedding last month.
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
