So bad night, ended up beating off to porn and eating Keebler elf cookies.... at the same time :-(
Dipping chips in queso and thinking of your beautiful face
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
Toga everclear = hospital visit... Im sure the paramedics hate me right now
Im going home to examine my vagina with a hand mirror. wish me luck.
so you know how I brush my teeth after I give you a bj? according to my dentist my teeth have never been cleaner. looks like this will be a recurring thing
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
Just FYI....you totally yelled out Royals while we were having sex last night lol.
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
Randomize
