Ive had to apologize to every girl i know today because of you
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
I wrote him a note at the end of the final. I'm hoping I can flirt my way in to an A or B
Randomize
