Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
you ever get that eerie feeling when you walk in a room, when you know youve barfed here before.
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
I don't think everyone found it as funny as I did... Nothing says "Party's Over" like the sound of a pump action shotgun.
Last thing I remember was wondering why there was a mirror on the wall behind the urinal and then realizing I was pissing in the sink.
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
She walked out and announced that he was now part of our confused, incestuous, glorious eskimo family. I've never been more proud.
Campus is too small for this to keep happening
I just had a drunk lesbian experience.... How do I break it to my boyfriend??
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
While walking to class I was handed a red bull, condoms, and a mini bible. I love my school.
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
Randomize
