My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
After I made out with her she fell asleep and started pooting in her sleep. Are we sure lesbians are hot? Cause that wasn't.
they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
I mean I drunk but not enough to handle a Scientology convention
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
HIS TAN HAS PUT ME TO SHAME. HE TOOK HIS PANTS OFF AND HIS DICK LOOKED LIKE A GHOST
IM DRINK YORE HIFH WE ARE POSTERCHOLD OF AMERICA
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
I'm about to ride on a tractor i have no time for you
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
Honestly and this might sound scary... But I want to get high and play with weapons
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
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