Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
I didn't think it was possible for the human body to be physically dependant on weed until I moved in with this kid
there's just a random girl here singing about how much she loves fiber
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
Drank a fosters this weekend and last weekend. Listening to down under 5 times a day. Spent 100 dollars on a sleeveless men at work shirt circa 1983. We don't leave for another 5 weeks. I call it pregaming.
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
The man was doing everything in his power to get away from his wife, including go into the gay club.
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
twas supposed to be night one of rebound break but it was night one of get sloppy drunk and dance half naked in an ice shack
I just found a contact in my phone named "Nick from The Party". Who's nick?
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