Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
I had to physically hold you down to stop you from going out the window naked. You put up quit the struggle.
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
Just resonded to a booty call with "how much effort is required on my part?" I think I've finally reached the point of smoking too much pot
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
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