Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
I looked at my own cervix.
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
ME TOO. Am adrunk madr out qith. White guy. Guy de white. Blanco chico. Chico de blanco
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
i think i just encouraged him to glue googly eyes to my boobs
Bed, food, and you got really nice boobs. That's it really. Foundations of friendship right there.
I feel like my dick pic collection should be archived at the Smithsonian
She was topless, yelling this is Sparta, threatening to push her dad into the sewer. I am pretty sure she won't be at school.
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