i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
so is it socially acceptable to send her an "i got my man back you whore" card?
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
I'm not just straddling the line between love and hate, I'm dry humping the shit out of it
I'm not having sex with him if he doesn't believe in gay marriage and abortions.
I once went to target high on hydrocodone. I assure you, they can handle unrespectable.
Randomize
