got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
doing lines of blow through a tampon applicator in the study lounge at 7am so i can finish an italian composition that was due a week and a half ago...such a good student.
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
Is he smart?
Why would i know that. That would deal with the top half of his body. I only deal with the bottom half.
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
Found out that it IS actually possible to get road head from somebody in the back seat
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
I truly just stopped puking in my 730 am calculus class, looked up, corrected my professor, then resumed puking my eyes out. He was both impressed and disgusted.
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
You invited these random guys into your apartment that you met in the hallway...& then you started screaming at them to get out cause you didn't know who they were.
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
Randomize
