I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
My family just suggested tequila shots. I had Vietnam style flashbacks.
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
I'm getting very mixed reviews. One friend told me to stop drinking bc the last 3 times he's heard from me I've either peed my pants, been throwing up, or people have been having sex beside me.
Strangely enough I'm encouraging you to keep drinking for all the same reasons.
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
i understand you have values and thats awesome, all i want to help you do is forget about them breifly
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
There's nothing wrong with using cocaine to keep my heart rate up in my fitness class.
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