i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
of course not. I do my best teaching on a hungover monday. I did the research. im still okay with the direction in which my life is headed.
Dude so coolest charity idea ever, think aids walk but instead of miles you drink beers oh the possibilities
Fell down the metal stairs and some guy tried to fight me after you left. I fell asleep with cadbury eggs in my mouth too.
Well my ankle is fucked up, everytime it pops I have a reminder of $200. Jager bomb night and the day we began to rebuild our friendship.
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
I'm just sayin. If your gonna cheat go for someone TOTALLY different. Fucking her twin would be a waste.
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
Something in me snapped and now I’m just googling famous vegans.
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize
