11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
He told me to fuck off at some point in the night. I think it was right before he jumped out of a moving car trying to get to another bar and made Abby cry.
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
I hope that will b the last time i take off my pants in the chemistry building.
Randomize
